My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
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Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]