Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
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I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.