My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
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employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.