I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
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Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.