Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
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@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no