Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
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[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
idk flipping houses looks really hard
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I ate everything, including the H.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?