It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
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*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.