And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
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(Gaming support cat.)
I鈥檓 not a 6. I鈥檓 two 3s in a trench coat.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn鈥檛 resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
*rushing into work*
sorry i鈥檓 late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 馃槨
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don鈥檛 rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson