My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
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The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol