Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
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My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
When news reporters do sports stories
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
my dog when i have a friend over
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.