I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
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My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Stop sending me this shit.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.