At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
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[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Realize this:
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.