Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”