Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
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When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”