Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
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I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
*Seductively hides in the woods
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”