Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
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It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.