WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
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Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.