Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
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And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Never forget.