we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
You Might Also Like
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Miscakes
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.