Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
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If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Me :
All Day At Night
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
japanese corn
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.