*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
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When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Husband of the year 😂
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?