Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
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Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Put this video in the Louvre
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.