a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
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Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
File under excellent bookstore names.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.