BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
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Barbie gone wild
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
My neck, my back, my…
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.