WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
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stop
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
love pickles so much i put myself in one
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no