Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
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[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
An odd boast
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
This meeting could have been a cake
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Mmmm canned fish.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.