I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
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Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I love art.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH