Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
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*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
The pasta is now
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string