Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
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Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
good for her
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.