Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
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Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1