ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
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Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.