I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
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DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.