“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
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What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing