🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
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Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
😎 🍻
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?