Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
You Might Also Like
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince