Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
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Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.