Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
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You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.