Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
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Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I put the mess in domestic.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.