If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
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@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
The prophecy is fulfilled
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working