EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
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Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
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[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Hitlers gonna hitl
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.