Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
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If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Smile they said.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer