Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
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#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Safety first
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.