Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
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WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I can also cook 😂
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?