Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
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Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this