If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
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Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
My dad.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch