Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
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23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”