I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
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“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol