My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
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If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.