My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
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I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.