If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
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If only.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.